Respect for Self and Others
Respect refers to words or actions that acknowledge the feelings, choices and rights of individuals. In healthy relationships it is necessary to have respect for ourselves and respect for others. Many people think of the "Golden Rule" when defining respect: "Treat others the way you want to be treated."
Are You a Respectful Person? Do you...
| Follow the "Golden Rule," and treat others the way you want to be treated | |
| Try to think about how your actions may influence other people. | |
| Believe that violence never solves problems. | |
| Try to always treat other people and their property with courtesy. | |
| Never deliberately ridicule, embarrass, or hurt other people. | |
| Acknowledge and honor others' opinions and beliefs. | |
| Show yourself respect by setting appropriate boundaries with disrespectful people. |
Was there ever a time when you didn't treat someone with respect? How do you think that person felt? How do you feel when you are treated with respect?
Communicating Respect
While most people use a combination of the following four styles of relating to others, assertiveness works best at communicating respect.
Aggressive
- overpowering, controlling, bossy or dominating
- responds to conflict by verbally or physically attacking the other person
- blames other people, rarely willing to admit or accept responsibility for own part in the conflict
- violates other people's rights in order to get what he or she wants
- leads to isolation, lonliness and maybe guilt
Passive
- avoids dealing with problems
- does not speak up for his or her own rights, worried instead about pleasing others (results in own needs not getting met)
- "stuffed" anger may result in explosive anger or become internalized a anxiety and/or depression
Passive-Aggressive
- feelings are communicated in an indirect, dishonest, manipulative, or underhanded way
- seems to be passive because conflict is not directly addressed
- actually responds by "getting back at" or "getting even with" the person they are angry with
- leads to confusion and needs do not get met
Assertive
- clear, confident and seemingly in control
- stands up for his or her rights while respecting the rights and boundaries of others
- verbal communication is direct, honest and respectful
- the ability to say "no" to something she or he is uncomfortable with
- unwilling to compromise his or her own values, beliefs or boundaries
Make a list of ways you could show respect for yourself and others.
Look at your lists and ask yourself: How many of those things do you actually do? How many of the things you are not doing now would you be willing to try? Why? Why not?
How to Communicate Respect by Being Assertive
- Apologize when you know that you are wrong
- Have a clear idea about what you want
- Be aware of your emotions and communicate them in relationships
- Stand up for your rights, and respect the rights of others
- Respond to criticism without anger
- Be confident about yourself and your abilities
- Pay attention to your feelings and express them directly and honestly
- Listen to and consider other people’s points of view without interrupting
- Maintain personal space boundaries and respect others’ personal space boundaries
Setting and Respecting Boundaries
You have rights and needs and so does everybody else. We show respect for ourselves and others when we set and communicate healthy boundaries. Boundaries are the limits that we draw with people. They describe what we are comfortable and uncomfortable with, as well as what is acceptable and unacceptable to us. Setting boundaries is a way of protecting ourselves from physical or emotional harm. Being able to communicate boundaries in our relationships is especially important, so everyone knows what to expect and what is expected from them. We also have to be able to respect the boundaries other people set with us.
Examples of Boundaries in Relationships
| PHYSICAL | MENTAL / EMOTIONAL |
|
|---|---|---|
| Physical Closeness Touching Sexual Behavior Eye Contact Privacy—mail, email, diary, doors, nudity, bathroom, telephone, cell phone, private spaces, etc. Clothes and Gifts Energy |
Beliefs Thoughts and Ideas Feelings Decisions Choices Needs Time Alone Individual Differences Interests |
Relationships Responsibilities Confidences Secrets Participation Roles Rules Personal Experiences |
"I" Statements
We can communicate our feelings and needs most effectively by speaking calmly and kindly, but firmly, and by using "I" statements. I-Statements give our partner information about us, and they do it in a way that's far less threatening than the alternative: You-Statements. They form the bedrock for cooperation because they connect people, build trust, and create healthier, more open and honest relationships.
DO state the facts objectively in a way that the other person can agree with.
DON’T generalize, exaggerate, or judge with the facts for example, stay away from phrases like "you always…" "we never…" "every time I…."
DO talk about a change in behavior, rather than attitude “I want you to stop teasing me about my hair” rather than “I want you to stop being so mean.” which conveys judgement. "When you tease me about my hair, I feel ________. Please stop teasing me about it."
DO deal with one issue at a time.
DON’T let interruptions distract you. Wait for the person to stop and then get back on target.
DO be specific. For example, “I want to have dinner at Sarah’s on Fridays” instead of “I want more free time.”
http://www.ChooseRespect.org
Choose Respect Visit and learn more about how to have healthy dating relationships and prevent dating abuse.
Teen Equality Wheel.pdf
Check out the Teen Equality Wheel!
