Respect for Self and Others
We do not abuse people we respect, and we don’t respect people we abuse. So, one of the best ways to ensure that your child grows up to have healthy relationships is to teach and model respect.
There are many harmful messages in society today about achieving respect, confusing it with fear, intimidation, or unyielding power. Respect is about a host of things, but none of them has to do with power and control. Teaching our children respect is about teaching them to celebrate differences, acknowledge validity in others’ perspectives, and believe in the value of oneself and other people. It is about assuming goodwill and treating people with dignity.
So how do we help children celebrate differences and value others? We can start by embracing diversity, and giving our children opportunities to learn about and interact with people different than themselves. For example, showing disrespect for women and girls and treating them with less value is pervasive in our world today; therefore it is critical that we actively provide consistent messages to boys and young men about how to value and respect girls and women. See the helpful links at the bottom of this page for ways to teach respect.
Boundaries
One critical component to demonstrating respect for oneself and others is setting and honoring boundaries. Boundaries are the limits that we draw with people. They describe what we are comfortable and uncomfortable with as well as what is acceptable and unacceptable to us. Helping your children learn how to set and respect boundaries can protect them from physical or emotional harm and help them show respect for others. You may already be teaching your children about setting boundaries by establishing rules in your home. One common strategy parents can use is to teach children to assert their boundaries by using “I Statements.”
Some other useful ways that you can help your children learn about boundaries are:
- Teach your children that it is important for them to set and clearly articulate boundaries. For example, you could tell your child: “If you are uncomfortable with [hugging, kissing, use of certain language, sharing treasured items, etc.] then communicate how you feel and state what you need.”
- Respect the boundaries that your children set. For example: “Of course you don’t have to kiss your aunt/uncle if it makes you uncomfortable.”
- Hold them accountable for violating other’s boundaries. For example: “Reading your sister’s diary was unacceptable, because you knew it was private and you’d like her to respect your privacy. Please apologize and respect her boundaries from now on.”
Boundaries and Personal Safety: Tips to Help Children Learn Clear Personal Boundaries
Promoting a Healthy Definition of Respect
One of the key ways to teach children is through one’s parenting style. There are generally three categories of parenting styles:
Authoritarian This is a rigid, “it’s my way or the highway” method of child-rearing, where parents try to control their children through a set of strict rules. The parent often focuses on the fact that the child broke the rules, rather than teaching the child why the bad behavior is unwanted. Consequently, children may falsely learn that fear translates to respect, acquire a diminished sense of self-worth, and may not learn how to think for themselves. Living with such arbitrary rules and being silenced may make it difficult for children to learn and assert their right to both give permission and/or set limits around their personal boundaries. Being disrespected may also teach them to disrespect others, including others’ boundaries.
Permissive Permissive parents do not set clear and consistent limits. They tend to appeal to their children to convince them to behave, rather than develop good structure and communicate their expectations. At times when parents have “had enough,” they may become angry and discipline the child or react more harshly than usual, which can leave children perplexed. This parenting style makes it difficult for parents to demonstrate a healthy definition of “respect,” as their children are likely to become confused or resentful about the inconsistencies. Permissive parenting may result in children not learning how to set or honor boundaries, and having insecurities and lack of self-respect.
Authoritative/Democratic This style is about providing children with clear, consistent, and fair limits, while also explaining expectations to help children learn how to regulate their behavior. Children are given freedom and choices within age-appropriate limits. Although parents are explicitly in charge, children’s voices and opinions are listened to and valued. In this style, both parents and children are expected to give respect and earn others’ respect. Children learn how to think for themselves, behave responsibly, and set and honor boundaries. Children also learn to show respect for others, build self-worth, and learn how respect is earned in a healthy manner. Not surprisingly, this parenting style is often the most effective in modeling and teaching children respect.
What kind of parent are you? Take a quiz to learn about your parenting style: http://pediatrics.about.com/cs/quizzes/l/bl_prnt_style.htm
http://www.kidsintheknow.ca
Kids in the Know is an interactive safety education program designed to help parent’s empower children/youth and reduce their risk of victimization.
http://www.endabuse.org/cbim/
Coaching Boys Into Men is a campaign of the Family Violence Prevention Fund about the importance of teaching boys early and often how to honor and respect women.
http://founding-fathers.org/
Founding Fathers Campaign is another effort of the Family Violence Prevention Fund to help fathers and the entire family take a stand against violence against women and children.
http://www.acalltomen.com/
A Call to Men is a national men's organization addressing men's violence against women and working towards the eradication of sexism.
http://www.hghw.org
Hardy Girls Healthy Women (HGHW) strives to create a world in which all girls and women experience equality, independence, and safety in their everyday lives.
http://www.HumanityQuest.com
Humanity Quest gives valuable insight into human values, such as respect, courage, self-esteem and self-respect.
