Make a Difference

There is a popular adage: “You’re either part of the problem, or you’re part of the solution.” This idea is the basis of what being a “Courageous Bystander” is all about. As a parent you may feel worried about your child getting involved in certain kinds of situations, and this is understandable. It is natural to want to insulate your child to protect him/her from harm.

But being a courageous bystander is not just about intervening when violence is occurring. In fact, it can be a much more powerful tool. It is important that we all learn to intervene when we hear sexist comments, disrespectful comments directed at a peer, and put-downs of any kind (but especially those based on gender, race, ethnicity, ability, or sexual orientation). Such comments are designed to put down the person at the core of their being.

It is these kinds of comments that lead to a social atmosphere that allows, and even encourages, bullying, peer pressure, cyber bullying, and dating, domestic and sexual violence. When the social culture allows oppressive, demeaning comments and ideas, often violence is the next step. Violence is a concrete method of expressing these ideas. But when the social culture rejects these attitudes, it is much more difficult for abuse and violence to occur.

It is important that parents show children how to be a courageous bystander by doing it themselves. You can think of it as being a “good Samaritan” or a good neighbor. Children will try being assertive if they see it modeled, and see it as a “norm” for behavior.

Take Action

Parents can teach children by intervening at home when siblings put each other down, or when their child’s friends are all hanging out in their home and jokes are told that put down women or specific groups of people. Parents can intervene at a school sporting event when a coach tells a male player he is throwing or running “like a girl.”

It is surprising how many opportunities there are for acting like a courageous bystander once you are paying attention to them. Taking action may leave a lasting impression of you on your child – as someone who is strong, courageous, assertive, proactive, and as someone of whom they can be proud.

Pastor Martin Niemoeller was a protestant pastor in Germany during World War II. He once said of his experience:

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Often witnesses hold back from intervening in fear for their own safety or because they want to avoid a hassle, or even because they are afraid they will make it worse for the victim. Yet there are usually many quiet witnesses who all wish there was a way to help but just don’t know how. For more information take a look at these strategies.

In a now-famous situation that is often referenced in social psychology, a woman named Kitty Genovese was stabbed to death in 1964 outside of an apartment building near her home in Queens, New York. Investigation after the incident revealed that at least a dozen people living in the apartment building heard the attack take place. They heard Ms. Genovese scream and cry for help, yet none of them called police or went down to see if she needed help. One witness yelled out the window to the attacker to leave the girl alone, and at that point he left. Within a half hour, her attacker returned to find Ms. Genovese, stab her again, and then sexually assault her. It is unclear when police or paramedics were finally called, but Ms. Genovese died en route to the hospital.

Social psychologists have termed this phenomenon the “bystander effect.” This profile of a bystander as someone who stands by and does nothing must change! This is the ultimate example of what can happen when people do not act as courageous bystanders. Obviously, it is important to intervene in situations such as Ms. Genovese’s. However, it is just as important to embrace opportunities everyday to act as a courageous bystander, to help prevent violence from ever occurring. If we truly want our children to grow up in a better world, and if we truly want to leave a better world for our children, then we must exemplify in our own behaviors, and cultivate in our children, those qualities of a courageous bystander.